Drowning In My Own Feelings.
Awhile back I was having a really really hard time dealing with my Depression, Anxiety, and PTSD like you could almost say I completely hit rock bottom I was drowning in my own thoughts from the past and just felt like I couldn't deal with the stress anymore worse than ever before. I lashed out to everyone I was around you could talk to me and I'd snap your head off with words. It caused my mom, stepdad & I to argue almost everyday. I missed my dad, I missed my brother and sister, I just missed how things were before. My mom and I got into another argument and that's when I completely snapped I went in the bathroom slammed the door, I was screaming and crying and took my bare hands leaned up against the mirror and made a fist and punch the mirror over and over, screaming "I hate you, I hate my life, stay away from me stay out of my life everyone", yelling at my dead father saying "why in the hell did you leave me like this, why?" My intentions at the time were to shatter that mirror I don't even think I would've felt the pain even if I cut my hand. I didn't care in that moment I was crazy, crazy like no one had ever saw me before. I had snapped in the past but not as bad as I had this time, after I saw the mirror wasn't going to shatter. I sat down on the toilet but before I did I locked the bathroom door. When I sat on the toilet I cried very hard I picked up a T- shirt and wrapped it around my neck and pulled as tight as I could and tried to cut off my air supply and commit suicide. I'm not very proud of it, honestly what stopped me from continuing choking myself is something went through my mind and I though "Hayley, don't do this, you're only ending your life and destroying your family." I stopped I got up walked out of the bathroom my mom said "that's it, you're getting help." I didn't want to go and she said "I'm tired of this, you desperately need help and I'm not going to wake up one day and find that you did something that you shouldn't have done." Without me telling her what I had just tried to in the bathroom her motherly instinct knew what I tried to do because after all mothers know everything no matter how much you try and hide something, they just know. I texted my friend Destiny that night on Facebook and told her what was going to happen and she said "just make the best of it, it's for the best." That very next day my mom got up and went to the court house and got Involentary Commitment Papers and told them that her daughter was having suicidal thoughts and that she was afraid that if this rage that I was in that she was terrified for her daughters life, a city policeman pulled up in my drive and I got ready this was it I had to do this and I knew in my heart it was for the best. I went to Moutain Comprehensive Care Center in Paintsville, Kentucky to be evaluated and when the woman came in she asked me a bunch of questions and then proceeded to ask me if I was feeling suicidal or if I had ever attempted suicide, I told her yes and what I had done. and she said "Hayley, I think it would be best if you got help", she filled out the paperwork and I was transferred and admitted to Appalachian Regional Hospital in Hazard, Kentucky. In the vehicle with the city policeman who was an older man stopped on the way to Hazard at a food court inside a local gas station and asked me if I wanted something to eat, because he was not letting me go to the hospital hungry because he said they didn't have the best of food. He went in got me a couple pieces of fish, mashed potatoes, and Macaroni & Cheese. He had already purchased me a Pepsi from the pop machine at MCCC. I offered him a dollar for the Pepsi and he wouldn't take it. I also offered him money for the food that he had bought at the gas station when he came out with my food he wouldn't take it then either. We continued the drive to Hazard and we talked the whole way there he even told me that he was a preacher and that his son was on heavy drugs and that he prayed for him daily to become sober because he didn't want to lose his son. I told him about myself being baptized and my mother being clean and dads passing, he told me something that stuck with me he said "I wish that there were more young women like you in this world, you will do great things you can make a difference in this world and going to Hazard doesn't mean you are crazy it just means you have realized that you need help, just know that my continued prayers are with you." I spent a week in the psychiatric ward part of that hospital and it was by far the of the best things my mother had done for me. I left feeling happy, refreshed and the best I'd ever felt. I'm forever grateful that I didn't commit suicide and I got the chance to meet some really great people while I was in there and I am and always will be forever grateful for the talk that I had with that policeman and the things he done for me that day. He was one amazing man. He truly is gods sent angel to earth. He and I never got to speak after that day but he will always hold a special place in my heart.
Suicide Prevention: if you or someone you know is thinking strongly about ending their own life, remind them that suicide is not the answer and please get them some type of help, because you may be the very person who saves their life.
Here's how you can help:
Suicide Prevention: if you or someone you know is thinking strongly about ending their own life, remind them that suicide is not the answer and please get them some type of help, because you may be the very person who saves their life.
Here's how you can help:
- Give them the number to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at: (800)-273-8255 or by going to the: National Suicide Prevention Lifeline website.
- Tell Someone.
- Let them know they are not alone.